


The Worst Day of Severus Snape's Life

by Sydney_Prince



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU in which harry is a realistic traumatized 11 y/o and snape is not a disgusting jerky bully, Abusive Dursley Family (Harry Potter), Albus Dumbledore Being an Idiot, Annoyed Severus Snape, Crack, Draco malfoy is there and he ate all harry’s lucky charms like the slimy ferret he is, Dumbledore is still manipulative but in a funny way, Episode: Snape's Diary (Potter Puppet Pals), Funny, Gen, Grangers think Snape is a creepy pervert prowler, Harry Potter & Severus Snape Friendship, Harry Potter Has ADHD, Language, Look guys the only way severitus makes sense is if it is complete cracky nonsense so here. feast, Lucius malfoy mention ewwww, Mentioned Voldemort (Harry Potter), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Referenced Child Abuse, References to Shakespeare, Ron and Hermione like to gossip together, Severitus, Severus Snape Adopts Harry Potter, Severus Snape is So Done, Snape is Mean, Tea, This is weird, Trauma, We’re going to pretend that romance isn’t a thing in the hp universe bc ew gross why, but mostly crack, cats eating people mentioned, dumbleswine, fred weasley and george weasley are in a chapter!, hagrid has joined the cast, harry death mention but no actual death of harry cuz harry deserves to be happy, harry potter is a weeb, no harry death yet at least must keep you at edge of your seat mahahahaha, our tags are all over the place, our uploading is very random, reference to potter puppet pals, slight angst, snape is on tumblr, we forget to upload chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:55:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26983222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sydney_Prince/pseuds/Sydney_Prince
Summary: Snape finds out just how bad the Dursley fam squad treats Harry. He tells Dumbledore someone else should be taking care of Harry. But with every option of a suitable parent figure exhausted, Snape might have to raise Harry himself. Oh, bother.Little does he know, this was all part of Dumbledore's plans to make his own life easier by finding a way to make Snape and Harry get along cuz Dumbledore is a manipulative jerk.
Relationships: Harry Potter & Severus Snape
Comments: 30
Kudos: 80





	1. Chapter 1: Part 1

Halfway through the school year, a vigorous tapping on the door startled Dumbledore, who was listening to classical music while munching on crumpets and drinking peppermint tea. He choked, but only slightly, on one of the delicious delicacies that he brought with him that afternoon. He gulped down some water to stop the hacking.

Begrudgingly, he made his way to the door. This was his afternoon me time! 

To be frank, he hated it when teachers came in with their problems or sent children to be disciplined which was usually the only reason someone knocked. He hated it almost just as much when a child came with a problem--he really couldn't be bothered and their issues were always so petty and silly. _(“Go_ **_away,_ ** _Draco!”)_

Of course, his constant avoidance of his responsibilities made it so he almost always seemed to be in a good mood when people visited.

He opened the door to find a very angry Snape. 

"Hello, Snape! What seems to be troubling you?"

Snape without a moment’s hesitation barged into the office. Dumbledore closed the door.

"That Potter boy…" Snape began.

"Ugh, can't you just try to get along...I mean, there's probably a bit of Lily in him, not just James…" Dumbledore whined.

"No, that's not it!" Snape snapped. "Let me tell you about this afternoon…" 

_Not one of Snape's dreadfully depressing stories!_

Dumbledore almost groaned.

But just almost. He did have a _smidge_ of self-control, after all, unlike _someone._

**Dramatic Depressing Flashback Time!**

It was a melancholy day. Just the way Snape liked it. He brooded for an hour, drinking his coffee in a manner so slow it would have your nana yelling, "Get a move on, buster!" Then, he went so slow he didn't have time for a shower, but he would just take a bubble bath that night instead. Then, he came to school.

There was hardly any ruckus that day. Snape enjoyed some Shakespeare in between classes.

This. _This was the life._

After his luncheon of crumpets and tea, because of course, that's the only thing British people eat, he had one more class. He was so happy to be done early for once. His new schedule for this semester was truly glorious. 

However, he forgot his last class was with freshies. Young vibrant souls with so much glee and excitement for life. Which always reminded him of how empty his life really was. He used to be that kid...actually wait...strike that, he was never that kid. Which made him feel like he was missing out.

Oh, and who can forget, that one of this year's first years was none other than the constant reminder of the love of his life, Lily Potter, who chose someone other than he and who was now dead. This reminder, her orphaned boy, was Harry...who almost looked exactly like James Potter, who was Mr. StealYourGirl and Snape's childhood bully.

Snape didn't take into account that James could have changed. That just maybe Lilly saw some good in him and helped him overcome his weaknesses. That maybe it was Snape's own fault that he lost Lily. 

Nor did he seem to think that Harry, who was basically not even raised by James and Lily, would be different than James. Any inclination to be heartfelt to Harry, as he did have Lily's eyes, would be snuffed out. Snape wouldn't be a good double agent if he showed affection.

However, today was a perfectly melancholy day. Snape wasn't going to let his faulty notions ruin it. Well, that was until Harry made a gigantic mess by knocking down a cauldron filled with all sorts of potions. The cauldron exploded. Snape took a deep breath.

_You can’t kill him, no matter how much of a menace he is. Dumbledore wouldn’t like it if you killed him, even though you’d be doing the entire Wizarding World a favor, for Slytherin’s sake! Stay calm . . . Calm . . . Think non-murderous thoughts . . ._

"Potter, you'll stay and clean that up after class!" Snape declared as he massaged his temples.

Later, after the crowd of little tykes dispersed from the classroom, a moody Harry was left behind. After Snape handed him a rag and some soap and water, Snape went and sat behind his desk to read Macbeth. Harry grudgingly began to clean. 

Soon, Harry got distracted and began practicing spells. Snape only had to snap his fingers at the boy to get him back on track. However, Harry began asking questions much to Snape's annoyance, but hey, maybe Harry would learn something for once.

Harry took a particular interest in one potion book, _Potions for Revenge_.

"Ooh, I so wish I could use this on Dudley, he's my cousin..." Harry began.

"That's against school rules, Potter," Snape retorted. Potter _was_ just like James, after all. Snape knew it all along!

Harry ignored him.

"Oh, burning eye potion...is that anything like eating peppers?" Harry asked.

"Much worse."

"That must be pretty bad. One time Dudley put jalapeno peppers in something his mum made. His parents were basically crying. It was hilarious. I got blamed because I was laughing. But I'm not allowed in the kitchen, because they say I take more than my share of food, and that's where it was. So, _obviously,_ I couldn't have done it…" Harry began on a tangent.

Snape raised an eyebrow at the mention of the kitchen scenario. Potter must be making that up Snape figured, even though Harry was a scrawny thing much like Snape was at that age. Harry probably wanted to evoke pity.

"But when I tried to tell them that it was Dudley, I got in trouble for blaming their little baby! _Wah, wah, wah, I'm Dudley; I'm mama's pwecious boy!"_ Harry began.

Snape almost chuckled. He furiously thought of all the times James called him _Snivellus_ to keep up his dead-eye glare.

"So, they punished me by locking me under the staircase…" 

Snape looked confused. Harry didn't notice.

"But really, the joke’s on them, I had under my bed a bunch of action figures and treats I bought from the store with some loose change I found over the years of emptying all their pockets whenever I had to do their laundry…"

"Wait, bed? I thought you were under the stairs?" Snape said sharply. Ha! He caught Harry in his lies! Potter thought he could fool Snape, but he was just an amateur when it came to spinning tales--

"Oh, my room is under the stairs," Harry said matter of factly and continued with his story.

"So, I did begin to get hungry after a few seconds of being in there as the treats didn't last long. They were too good not to eat up as quickly as possible! I had to knock to be let out cos my aunt apparently forgot I was in there. But they went on a one-day vacay, so I had to wait a _whole twenty-four hours_ to get out. I had to go to the bathroom _really_ bad, but luckily, she remembered me the day after that. Haha, I mean how dumb is she…" 

Snape was absolutely horrified at how Harry so normally described this. He was way too cheerful to be trying to get pity. The more Harry went on, the more flashbacks Snape got from his own childhood.

"I wish I had a lock from the inside, though, cos Dudley pulverized me for not taking the blame even though I still got punished. I could have hidden in there! He's a butthead. But I can say I had a black eye which is cool...even though everyone at school thought I was in a gang…" Harry continued onward.

"Harry," Snape began ominously.

Harry darted his head at Snape. For a moment, his eyes went uncharacteristically wide before going back to normal size.

"You're excused."

"Oh, but I was enjoying talking to...er, reading the book," Harry replied.

"I need to lock up the classroom and see Dumbledore immediately," Snape explained, still talking in his characteristically monotonous tone.

Harry sighed and gathered his belongings before he darted on his way.

**And now back to the less depressing life of Dumbledore . . .**

"And that's what brings me here," Snape said to Dumbledore.

Dumbledore steepled his fingers and hummed a little tune. Snape glowered, no doubt furious at Dumbledore for trying to introduce happy things into his life.

"That's unfortunate…" Dumbledore replied.

"That's _unfortunate?_ For Heaven's sake, the boy is being abused and neglected! Aren’t you going to do anything about it? Take him out of his home and raise him yourself.”

“Oh, no,” Dumbledore said serenely, “that would be an incredibly foolish notion.”

Snape’s eyes narrowed. Dumbledore watched in amusement as the Potions Master’s long, white fingers bunched up his black robes.

“It would be _foolish?”_ Snape hissed. “To save a child’s life?”

“Why, Severus, is that concern I detect? Could it be that you have actually learned not to hate a boy’s guts for the crime of having a pratty father?”

Snape sputtered. Clearly, this base accusation was too much for him. Dumbledore sighed, forcing himself to maintain his Calm and Cool Facade. This was the only facial expression that worked on the likes of Severus Snape. For some reason, Snape hated it when Dumbledore smiled. Or laughed. Or hummed. Or did anything remotely resembling a cheerful spirit.

“The reason I cannot take Harry in is that it would be too dangerous,” Dumbledore said.

“More dangerous than being starved to death?” Snape asked, his voice dripping with acid.

But then, he was Snape. His voice was always dripping with acid or some other dangerous liquid. 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” said Dumbledore. “They never starve the child. They simply neglect the occasional Happy Meal.”

Dumbledore was quite fond of Happy Meals, as they generally made the child eating them . . . happy. Snape did not seem to share this sentiment. His dark eyes flared, and the Potions Master straightened his lanky frame, looking on the verge of a temper tantrum. Dumbledore braced himself, rather wishing he had a lemon drop to keep up his spirits. 

“You mean,” Snape hissed, “ _you knew?”_

Dumbledore tilted his head and gazed at Snape. “You mean,” Dumbledore said with no little surprise, “you _didn’t?”_

Snape looked at Dumbledore for a long, heavy moment, and his dark eyes burned with... Was that disappointment?

Without another word, Snape rounded on his heel and stormed out of the office. His robes swirled around his ankles in his stereotypically dramatic fashion. 

Dumbledore picked up a two-way mirror and summoned McGonagall. 

“Phase One of Convince Snape that Harry Is not a Villain is a go,” Dumbledore whispered. “It’s up to you now.”

“This plan is idiotic and will not work in a million years,” said McGonagall, her brogue even thicker than normal. 

“You’ll still help, right?”

McGonagall sighed heavily. Dumbledore noted that Snape’s melodramatic tendencies were beginning to rub off. Luckily, she was too efficient and practical to mope. 

“Only because someone needs to clean up your mess, sir,” McGonagall said, sniffing before severing the connection. 

Well, at least she said _sir._


	2. Chapter 1 Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back :)

**And now we shall transition back into Snape’s dramatic mental monologuing.**

Snape stormed down the hallways. Usually, he would take vindictive pleasure from the way that the students all scurried out of his way like ants, but today he took no heed of such petty matters.

It was not as if Snape even  _ liked _ Potter. The boy was a menace, even though he was only eleven years old. But still . . . getting locked up in a cupboard? Not being allowed into the kitchen? Not being allowed to  _ eat? _

Snape still hated Potter. He just preferred for the object of his hatred to be well-fed and situated in an environment that didn’t involve abuse and neglect. That way he could treat Potter like a verbal punching bag in Potions without feeling guilty.

Not that Snape  _ would _ feel guilty, mind. It was  _ Potter _ , for Salazar’s sake!

Snape calmed himself down by imagining all the nasty things he would say to Potter the next time he had to teach Gryffindor. Ah, pleasant fantasies.

Snape rapped on McGonagall’s door.

“I told you yes, Dumbledore! Stop nagging me already!”

“I was not aware that I was related to Dumbledore,” Snape drawled. “Do you have anything to share, Minerva?”

There was a slight pause during which Snape imagined McGonagall glaring heavily at the small portrait of Dumbledore in her office as if this case of mistaken identity were  _ his _ fault. 

“Come in, Severus,” McGonagall said begrudgingly. 

Severus swept into the office and leveled the dratted Gryffindor professor with his best dead-eye stare. 

“Potter—“ he began. 

“—is a rather delightful boy,” McGonagall interrupted. “Just like Lily was at his age.”

Snape felt his mouth tighten into a thin line. 

“I was going to say that he’s a prick just like James was, but so long as you’re happy putting words in my mouth—“

McGonagall straightened up in her chair, looking indignant. 

“Severus Snape, you forget yourself!” she said hotly. “James Potter was a hero! Besides, he’s dead. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, talking about dead people like that.”

Snape silently seethed. Just because someone was dead didn’t mean they were a nice person. James Potter was probably haunting small, impressionable boys, ducking them into toilets and whatnot, while he seduced kind, pretty girls. 

_ Jerk.  _

“Potter is being abused,” Snape said curtly. 

_ Please let this be the conversation stopper,  _ **_please_ ** _.  _

If anyone else started singing James’s praises, Snape would have to poison them. Because of logic. Bullies deserved to be poisoned; therefore, bully defenders deserved to be poisoned, too.

“You just realized?” McGonagall asked. 

Snape sputtered. 

“You just—you just—you—what do you mean,  _ I just realized?!  _ Does  _ everyone _ know about this?!”

McGonagall folded her hands on top of the desk. Snape half-expected a cat to Apparate on top of McGonagall's lap for her to stroke, like the supervillain mastermind she was. 

“Of course we did,” McGonagall said tartly. “Perhaps if you spent less time insulting him and more time treating him like a human being, you would have noticed, too.”

Snape felt himself relax slightly. The other teachers knew about the problem, which meant that they would fix the problem, which meant that Snape didn’t have to worry about it. Not that he was worried. 

Because  _ Potter.  _

“So who’s he going to stay with?” Snape asked. 

McGonagall gave Snape a look that could only be described as blank incomprehension. 

“His family, of course,” she said. “Dumbledore, the greatest wizard I have ever met, thought it the best course of action.”

“His family,” Snape echoed. “As in, the people who are currently starving him and locking him up on a whim.” 

Snape almost added that Dumbledore was a smug piece of crap who refused to share his plans with lesser mortals, but he quite liked his organs where they belonged, thank you very much. 

“Well, what do you want us to do?” McGonagall demanded. “Take him away?”

“Muggles do it all the time,” Snape said. 

Not that such a defense was a good reason to do anything, but still.  _ Muggles _ were better at protecting abused children than  _ wizards,  _ for crying out loud! If that were not a warning sign, Snape didn’t know what was. 

“Who would he live with?” McGonagall asked. 

“I was thinking with you,” Snape said curtly. Then, his voice dripping with honeyed venom: “After all, he’s such a  _ delightful boy.” _

McGonagall pondered this. 

“Well, I suppose I could,” she said. “I mean . . . I’m rather busy. But Harry is a responsible child. I’m sure he would be fine if I had to leave him for extended periods of time. And his spell work is quite good, too, so if he got attacked, he could most likely repel it even if I’m not around. Although there is the cat.”

“The cat?”

“Theodorakis quite likes to terrorize other humans, especially little boys,” said McGonagall. “But I’m sure he would get used to Harry over time.”

“What exactly does he do?” Snape asked. 

McGonagall smiled serenely. 

“Oh, he eats them.”

Snape’s nostrils flared. Not for the first time, he looked at McGonagall with utter judgment. 

“So  _ that’s _ where Longbottom went,” Snape said. “I was beginning to wonder why his quivering presence wasn’t destroying my classroom anymore.”

“Severus! Neville is still here. And how dare you suggest that I fed him to my cat?”

Snape frowned. Now that he thought about it, he supposed there was still at least one crying student in his class. Maybe Neville  _ didn’t  _ disappear. Meh, Snape had better things to do than worry about subpar Gryffindors. 

“Right, well, as long as you’re fine with Potter staying with you, I think I’ll be going—“

“Oh, I forgot!” McGonagall exclaimed. “There’s also the kittens.”

“I thought you only had one cat,” Snape said. 

McGonagall beamed, her harsh scowl lines easing as she thought of her beloved fur goblins. 

“Oh, yes, I got more! But I’m afraid Theodorakis has been a bad influence . . . I’m rather worried because there have been all these disappearances in the village lately. I’m sure it has nothing to do with them, even though the victims are all dark-haired, eleven-year-old boys.”

Snape frowned. He had a bad feeling about this . . .

“Perhaps this isn’t the best idea,” McGonagall mused. “What about Hagrid?”

They looked at each other for a split second. 

“Nah,” they chorused. 

**Espionage time! *spy noises***

“I’m curious,” Dumbledore said after Snape left, “how did you manage to convince him that you weren’t suitable?”

“I told him that my cats like to eat eleven-year-olds,” McGonagall said stiffly. 

Dumbledore laughed himself silly. McGonagall might not have been joking, but it was still funny to imagine Snape’s face. What a drama queen. 

Dumbledore then proceeded to call every other person that Harry might know and told him that if Snape contacted them about Harry that they should not listen to Snape because of the plan. Or if they didn’t know about the plan/didn’t know Snape, that Snape was crazy and not to be trusted. 

**~ Cue Montage ~**

Snape knocked on a door. It was Lupin. That idiot werewolf who nearly murdered Snape. Tho, it was technically Black’s fault! Lupin should have known better than to hang out with Mr. I’mSoPretty, the worst bully ever to grace Hogwart’s hallowed halls. 

Lupin just went on about how he could barely take care of himself and was so dumb. Snape did not try to convince him otherwise. 

“You know, I get lost a lot. But hey, I have a good snout for tracking. Which is really too bad because I can smell how bad it is--like a wet dog in my house, cos I don’t clean. It attracts all sorts of cats. McGonagall’s cats have it out for me! I think they want to eat me!”

Snape was utterly persuaded that Lupin was not an option. 

Then Snape asked the Weasleys, but Molly told him about how Fred and George just loved Harry and wanted him to do all sorts of adventures with them. 

Snape thought that Ron was a bad enough influence on Harry already. His older brothers were absolute  _ menaces. _

So, he went to Grangers, who tried to call the police on Snape, thinking Snape was a creepy pervert wacko. 

Then, Snape went to the Lovegoods. Mr. Lovegood was so excited about being able to interview Harry daily for his magazine. Snape couldn’t let that happen. Harry’s head was big enough.

Snape thought about the Malfoys. But… when if Voldemort came back, Snape guessed Lucius would be like “Guess what!? I got you a welcome back present, Voldy!” Snape couldn’t have that, unfortunately. 

Unfortunately. 

Best keep this whole thing a secret from Lucius.

Snape went to the Woods. He was almost successful, but then he noticed Oliver in the background beaming and scribbling out practice plans. 

“We can play Quidditch every day!” Oliver whispered to himself. “We can practice in the morning and the afternoon and at nighttime, and by the time his second year rolls around, we’ll be unstoppable! THE HOUSE CUP WILL BE OURS!”

The last part was most definitely not in a whisper. Snape delivered the Woods a frosty glare before sweeping out of the house, never to return, leaving a crushed Quidditch captain in his wake. 

No way was Potter getting any extra Quidditch practice on Snape’s watch. 

Snape then went to a wizard. A wizard he did not know. A wizard who did not know Harry. The wizard thought Snape wanted him to kidnap Harry and sacrifice him to Shinigami...wait...wrong fandom...to an ancient powerful wizard. 

Snape only had one option left after this fiasco.

To raise Harry himself. Truly, unthinkable. But it would have to do. 

**End of Montage...Back to Dumbledore’s office where only Dumbledore and McGonagall were present.**

“. . . so you see, it worked out perfectly,” Dumbledore said, a satisfied smile playing on his lips.

McGonagall, if at all possible, looked even more exasperated than the last time they spoke. Dumbledore frowned, unable to keep himself from wondering why. Was it the hair, perhaps?

“This is going to end in tears,” McGonagall predicted dourly. “Why anyone would think  _ Severus Snape, _ of all people, would be a suitable role model, let alone guardian--”

“Severus is going to be a wonderful guardian!” Dumbledore protested. “He’ll just need a little breaking in. I’m sure Harry can help him out!”

“Severus is supposed to be the one helping Harry out, not the other way around.”

“I am a firm believer in the joys of multitasking,” Dumbledore said.

McGonagall’s face soured. It was definitely the hair, Dumbledore decided. The tight bun was  _ not  _ doing her any favors.

“And suppose Harry disagrees with this plan?” McGonagall demanded.

“Then we will have to  _ improvise,” _ said Dumbledore, and a wicked twinkle entered his eyes.

McGonagall shuddered slightly as if Dumbledore’s office had developed a sudden chill. Odd, that, since Dumbledore felt no chill of his own. He proffered an open bag of candy.

“Lemon drop?” Dumbledore offered.

He found that sugar helped  _ immensely. _


	3. Chapter 2 Part 1

Harry didn’t know what the bleep bleep was going on.

The teachers kept  _ looking _ at him in odd, pitying ways. It was super annoying. Harry wasn’t a baby. He could totally handle himself! Apparently, he faced Voldemort when he was a  _ literal  _ baby, and now he was almost twelve. He got this!

Whatever “this” was.

“Professor McGonagall,” Harry said at the end of a particularly grueling Transfiguration class, “how come you’re all looking at me funny?’

McGonagall looked askance at Harry, her lips pursed in thought. She looked like a bird, Harry mused.

Thinking of a funny movie he got to watch by spying on Dudley, Harry blurted out, “But a very pretty bird. Makes all the boy birds go, ‘Cacaw! Cacaw!’”

_ “What?” _ McGonagall demanded, much confused.

“Uhhhh . . . nothing?” Harry squeaked. 

Hopefully, McGonagall could not read minds. Harry was pretty sure she would not appreciate being compared to a bird moose woman.

It was things like this that made the teachers look at him all weird.

Harry quickly retreated. He was halfway there to his next class before he realized that McGonagall never answered his question.

Rats.

Oh, well. He could just ask Hermione. Harry was sure she would know--Hermione knew  _ everything. _

However, time passed, and Hermione could not figure out why the teachers kept staring at him pityingly, whispering behind his back, and muttering condolences whenever they saw him.

“Perhaps it’s because someone in your family died,” Hermione suggested at dinner.

“I think they would make sure to tell Harry if that happened, Hermione,” Ron said.

Harry privately thought that if the Dursleys died, everyone would throw a party for him, but who was he to rock Hermione’s deduction boat?

“Perhaps it’s because you’re failing all your classes,” Hermione whispered during Potions.

“Hermione, he’s using your notes,” Ron protested. “How could he fail  _ anything?” _

Snape glared at them ferociously.

“One hundred points from Gryffindor for talking during class,” he snarled.

Malfoy, who was in the middle of loudly proclaiming how much money his father had, laughed hysterically. Harry shot the nastiest stink-eye he could manage in Malfoy’s direction.

“Perhaps they think you’re going to die,” Hermione hissed as they climbed the stairs to their dorms.

“They’ve thought that for the past three months,” Ron muttered.

“Perhaps they think Snape is going to kill you,” Hermione said while they fed murderous blood vampire worms in Hagrid’s class.

“ _ Everyone _ thinks Snape is going to kill me,” Harry protested. “Doesn’t mean they should look at me like I’m the dead orphan puppy on their doorstep.”

Ron started screaming as the worm sucked his blood, so Harry and Hermione shelved the conversation for another time.

As the year dragged on, Hermione’s theories steadily became more and more ridiculous.

“Perhaps they think that a giant, three-headed dog will rise from the ashes and attack you,” Hermione suggested in Transfiguration class. 

“Maybe they think that a talking snake knows where you live and wants to eat you,” Hermione whispered during one of their Late Night Sleepover Extravaganza Fun Times (to Which Draco Malfoy Is Most Definitely  _ Not _ Invited).

“Perhaps,” Hermione mused during breakfast while everyone cooed over Cedric Diggory’s hair, “they know you’re gay.”

Ron and Harry stared at her blankly for different reasons. 

“What?” she demanded defensively. “While we have made progress in accepting people with same-sex attraction, homophobia is still  _ widely _ rampant, and I’m sure that some teachers, while well-meaning—“

“I’m not gay,” Harry said firmly. 

Hermione’s mouth opened, then clicked shut. She and Ron both looked incredibly awkward. 

“Oh,” said Hermione. 

“Er,” said Ron. 

Harry spent the rest of breakfast glaring at his bowl of porridge. 

“I’ve got it!” Hermione announced triumphantly during a Quidditch match. “They think you’re being possessed by You Know Who!”

Ron and Harry started laughing hysterically. 

“Good one, Hermione!” Ron bellowed.

But finally...the day came, the fateful day, when Harry really learned why all the teachers were staring at him.

It was after all that shenanigans with Voldemort on the back of the head of a teacher and the giant chess match stuff. That's not important to this story, well, except for the fact that Harry sort of trusted Snape. But not really.

Because  _ Snape. _

Harry was packing his things to head back home. Then, he headed with Hermonie and Ron to the station. Hagrid noticed and stopped Harry from boarding the train.

"Whoa, Harry, what are you doing?"

"Um, heading back home…"

"I thought you were staying with…" Hagrid began.

Just then, a young feisty boy, with hair so blonde and gelled that it looked like the hair of a middle-aged man going through a midlife crisis, came and kicked Hagrid in the shin.

"Draco Malfoy! Why you little rascal!" 

Draco was too fast and just missed Hagrid's grasp. The boy, once on the train, turned and stuck out his tongue at Hagrid. Hagrid frowned and turned back to Harry, who was still waiting not-so-patiently.

"Well, anyway...where was I, ah, yes...wait, maybe there is a reason Dumbledore didn't tell you…Anyway, Harry, you can't board this train," Hagrid explained. 

Ron and Hermione, who stood behind him like little Harry Potter groupies/fangirls, gasped.

"But Ron and Hermonie…"

"No, buts…" Hagrid began.

"No butts..." Ron laughed to himself.

Hermione hit Ron with a book.

"I'm sorry, Harry, but Dumbledore needs you to stay," Hagrid finished.

And this, for some reason, was good enough for Harry. He gave his friends goodbye hugs.

Then, Hagrid brought Harry to McGonagall who was back at the Gryffindor common room. The woman had a broom, a purse, and an outing coat. She had been ready to catch the Hogwarts train before it got too far.

"Oh, thank Heavens! I thought Harry got on the train because he’d rather live with the Dursleys!" McGonagall shouted as she came and wrapped Harry in a hug.

"I don't think anyone told him," Hagrid began.

McGonagall barely minded the comment as she went to put her things down. Hagrid shrugged. Then, he tousled Harry's hair.

"I got a TV dinner calling my name! See you around, Harry," Hagrid called as he left.

McGonagall took Harry's hand and dragged him down towards the dungeons. 

This was slightly suspicious, as the only people who went to the dungeons were either murderers or Slytherins (and those two were intrinsically linked). Was McGonagall going to murder him? Was  _ Harry _ going to murder someone? Worse, was McGonagall going to force him to become a Slytherin?

Harry shuddered with disgust and fear. He would rather be a  _ Hufflepuff.  _

All of the sudden, a loud shout echoed through the almost empty Hogwarts castle.

"McGonagall! Help!!!" 

The voice was clearly Dumbledore’s. 

"Wait here, Harry," McGonagall commanded Harry.

Then, she left. Unfortunately, Harry was awful at listening to commands.

He wandered around the building, for there was still so much he hadn't seen of it.

**_In Dumbledore’s Office_ **

Dumbledore was biting his fingernails as McGonagall entered the room.

"Is today the day the kids leave?" Dumbledore asked.

"Yes, you gave the speech last night about the house cup and everything. Why?" McGonagall questioned.

"No reason, it just didn't occur to me that they leave so quickly after my speech...I thought with finals and whatnot, we would give them more time to pack," Dumbledore rambled.

"No, always thought that was odd, though. You know it might be smart to change that rule," McGonagall replied.

"Oh, no, that's not important. Not now at least," Dumbledore responded.

McGonagall was very confused.

"Just go fetch Harry for me, will you? He did stay, didn't he?"

McGonagall nodded and then left.

"Shoot! I can't believe I forgot to tell Harry or the Durselys! Darn it! Darn it! Darndy, darn, darn!" Dumbledore panicked as he flopped onto his oversized desk chair.

**_Back where McGonagall left Harry_ **

"Darn it! Darn it! Darndy, darn, darn!" McGonagall shouted, her accent thicker than normal.

McGonagall took a deep breath and got help from the paintings. 

Hours passed. McGonagall had told Dumbledore she had to find Harry. Dumbledore said he would help, but really he stayed in his office, waiting for doom. Snape sat in his wing of the Slytherin House, wondering why Harry wasn't there. Was he supposed to get Harry? If he was, he was already failing as a guardian, much like how he failed as a teacher.

He shrugged and went back to his tea.

Shortly after all this, a train arrived at Hogwarts. On the train was a furious Petunia Dursely with her ugly husband and stupid son. But on a brighter note, so were George and Fred Weasley. Oh, Hermione's parents, too. Apparently, Harry wasn't the only kid who missed the train.

Petunia got off with a huff and stormed up to Hogwarts' front doors. She knocked loudly and yelled.

Dumbledore heard her from his office. He groaned. Then, with a deep breath, he called Snape's phone.

"Hello?" The deep but nasally voice on the other end said.

"Snape, someone is at the front door. I think it's your take out delivery guy. Open it, will you?" Dumbledore spat.

"Oh, that was quick and timely. Thank you," Snape said and hung up.

Dumbledore relaxed.


	4. Chapter 2 Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving nerds XD

**_Meanwhile,_ **

McGonagall finally found Harry. The little rule-breaker had wandered into the forbidden forest. She pulled him by the shirt sleeve back to the front doors of Hogwarts. Behind them followed Ron and Hermione, who apparently snuck away from the train to stay with Harry for a little while longer. This was happening right about when Snape opened the door as Harry's Aunt Petunia stormed off back towards the train. Petunia came face to face with McGonagall. 

The Grangers rushed towards their daughter. The Weasley twins meandered over to Ron, and both slapped him on the back of the head.

"Mom is awful mad at you for skipping the train, doof," Fred told Ron.

"The Panda Express delivery guy is nowhere in sight!" Snape spat.

"I know that condescending, nerdy, slimy voice anywhere!” 

Petunia turned toward him.

“You!"

"Oh, horrors of all horrors, " Snape whispered without a second thought, an expression of loathing and fear on his face.

“What are you doing here?” they both demanded at the same time. 

“Hi, Aunt Petunia!” Harry said. “Hagrid said I can’t go home with you. Did you really kick me out?”

“WHAT?!” Petunia shrieked. 

Behind them, McGonagall silently facepalmed. 

“Severus,” she said sharply, “you did not explain the situation to  _ either _ of them?”

Severus looked confused. Well, as confused as his greasy, angry face would permit. 

“Dumbledore promised he would explain so I could brood by myself until today,” he said somewhat accusingly, as if it were McGonagall’s fault that Dumbledore forgot. “You  _ know _ how I feel about my private brooding. It’s in my contract.”

“Harry,” said Petunia, “This is ridiculous. You have already inconvenienced us enough. My Diddleykins didn’t get to watch the football match today. We had to  _ record _ it.”

“The world weeps for your poor souls,” Snape sneered. 

“ _ Now,  _ Harry,” Petunia snarled, holding out her claw—er, hand. 

Harry swallowed hard. Well, the hope was nice while it lasted. Back to the cupboard, he supposed. 

“Bye, guys,” he said quietly, moving to follow his aunt. 

“Not one step further, you Gryffindor brat,” Snape hissed. 

McGonagall elbowed Snape with a disapproving glare. 

Harry froze midstep. On one hand, he was supposed to obey his aunt because she was kind of the boss of him and could make his life a living hell if he didn’t. But on the other hand, Snape was  _ also _ the boss of him and could probably make his life so much worse, since he was a wizard and Potions Master at that. 

“Harry, you’re not going with her,” McGonagall said briskly. She was clearly trying to make the best of a confusing situation. Harry felt bad for her because that was how he felt every day. “You’re going with Professor Snape.”

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Petunia all stared at McGonagall blankly. Ron abruptly burst out laughing

“Good one, Professor!” Ron cried. 

Harry stared at McGonagall. She wasn’t one for making jokes . . . and Snape  _ definitely _ wasn’t one for jokes. 

“Enough of this ridiculousness,” Petunia said through gritted teeth. “Harry, come  _ on.” _

She grabbed Harry’s arm, and Harry barely held back a flinch. 

All of a sudden, Snape was in between her and Harry, his dark eyes flashing with fury. 

“Remove your hand this instant,” he said softly. 

What was going on?!

“Oh, I get it,” Hermione said brightly. 

“You do?” Ron and Harry asked. 

“Harry, Professor Snape is your father!”

They all looked at Hermione like she was high on some new kind of spice. 

“How—how dare you?” Petunia spluttered. “My sister would never—“

“That’s why he tries so hard to convince everyone that he hates you,” Hermione plowed into, clearly oblivious to the escalating tension. “He can’t have anyone suspecting that he’s secretly your illegitimate father!”

The Grangers stared at their daughter in shock and embarrassment. This kind of thing happened all too often for them.

“HOW DARE YOU?!” Snape roared. 

“Professor,” Harry gasped, “is that true?! You don’t actually hate me—you’re just trying to hide your love?”

At this point, even McGonagall was trying to hold back laughter. The look of hatred and disgust Snape was delivering Hermione’s way was just too adorable—funny! It was funny!

Fred was practically wheezing as he held tightly to his stomach. George held a hand over his mouth in surprise, but was giggling like a mad man. McGonagall shot them a glare, trying to hide her smile. 

"She couldn't...she wouldn't...would she? I mean, I always thought she was a freak...but would she really fall for someone like you? I mean, Lily was, she did have my genes, thus, she had some beauty...and you...with your unkempt hair and that sour face! No! It can't be!" Petunia was on the verge of tears.

**Woot woot**

Snape thought briefly that he might be dead and this was his own personal Hell even though he sort of enjoyed seeing Petunia cry. The situation was all too laughable and miserable at the same time...Maybe the Catholics were right about Purgatory being real? 

"I knew I was onto someth…" Hermione began, but her father clapped a hand over her mouth. 

"Hermione," her dad growled. "How many times do we have to tell you, you can't go around accusing people of things you read in your murder mysteries…" 

"We really should monitor what she reads…" her mom replied. 

Petunia was in hysterics. The Weasley's were still laughing, as was McGonagall, though she  _ really tried _ to hide it. And apparently, Harry was still waiting for an answer from Snape.

Snape turned Potter around, facing him towards his Aunt Petunia. The way Potter stiffened under his hands did not escape from Snape’s notice. 

He quietly seethed and thus spewed his foul bitterness in Petunia’s direction. 

"Just look at his face. Besides his eyes, it has James Potter written all over it. He has Potter blood, otherwise, he wouldn't be caught doing half the crap he gets caught doing. He is a Potter and Gryffindor through and through. Not a single drop of Snape blood in this boy. Happy?" Snape demanded. 

Petunia wiped her eyes, and relief overtook her face.

“Maybe that’s because Snape is secretly James Potter’s bro—mmph!”

Mr. Granger clamped a hand over Hermione’s mouth once again and smiled brightly. 

"However...Potter is staying here," Snape continued.

Petunia's face was flaming

"He's already weird enough, I don't need you further ruining…"

"I mean...you could take him back. But it would be a shame if someone were to drop by like a soc…What is it called? Oh, yes, a social worker! It would be a shame if one stopped by unannounced to see exactly what Harry's living conditions are..." Snape said in a whisper, as he stepped closer and closer to Petunia

"Are you threatening me and questioning my ability to raise my sister's child?" Petunia whispered under her breath.

"I could always turn you and your family into frogs. Imagine your son as a frog. It's very amusing," Snape said with a  _ slight _ grin.

Petunia's eyes were panicked. 

"Fine," she said with a huff. Loudly, she said as she turned to Harry, “Harry, you're off of my hands! I don't know when I will see you again and I don’t really care, but goodbye."

"Oh, uh, goodbye…"

"Come along, husband and my dear little Dudley! Back to the train!" Petunia turned towards the train, her husband in tow.

Dudley turned and stuck his tongue out at Harry before following his mother.

Snape turned to McGonagall.

"Why didn't you remind Dumbledore?" he spat. "You have no problem reminding me when I have a missing button!"

"Oh, would you get over that button bit! It was one time. Besides, why am I in charge of Dumbledore? You really should have been more on top of it as you're the one who is going to watch him!" McGonagall spat back.

"It was embarrassing! You pointed that button out in front of the entire school faculty! And besides, you know you're basically Dumbledore’s mother and that I'm the last resort for all of this!" Snape seethed.

"Young man, you will not take that tone with me! And besides...we're not the only one's present...let's sort this later," McGonagall said as she turned to the others.

The poor Granger adults were as confused as heck. 

The Weasleys looked highly entertained as if they wondered what would happen next.

Harry was staring off into the distance.

"Harry, due to your home situation, you won't be staying there anymore. Your family really wasn't treating you like they should," McGonagall began.

"Oh, that's nice. They must really care about their students," Mrs. Granger said.

"Do you understand, Harry?" McGonagall asked.

Harry looked at her and tilted his head.

"Are you talking to me?" he asked.

McGonagall sighed.

"Harry, your family is awful so you're staying with Professor Snape as he is the only teacher who can watch you," McGonagall spat out.

Harry fainted, and Snape begrudgingly caught him before his head split open on the pavement like an overripe melon. 

"That's more ridiculous than any theory I came up with!" Hermione shouted. 

Snape had to concur.


	5. Update

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, posting will be slowed down to about once a month (one of the reasons being, it was catching up to unwritten segments). So, don't worry, it's still coming! In the meantime, enjoy this small entry. - Sydney

Snape jolted awake. He rubbed his eyes.

He whipped out his phone and opened his Tumblr app.

Yes, Snape had a Tumblr, oddly enough. He posted rants and sad memes mostly. He would have written it down in a diary, but one time Harry found his diary at school and read it with the orange one and the one who carries quills.

Snape preferred Tumblr now as he could post from his super-secret account and stay anonymous. It was all password-protected, too.

He updated his account about a dream he had in which he had to look after an annoying child, the child being Harry Potter.

With a click, it was posted.

Just then, Snape heard a snore from the living room.

_Shit._

**Author's Note:**

> Follow Snape on Tumblr: shakespeare-tea-ramen-janeausten.tumblr.com


End file.
